A 20 Something’s Guide to Parenthood

So let me first add a disclaimer that this is a blog belonging to my emotions and situations, so I do not prefer people judging me but even if you do, do it in your brain I would say.


 

I love being proved wrong. Not because I am a pessimist, but the fact that every time I am wrong there is a lot of scope of remembering what is right for the lifetime.

I was born and brought up in a family that called loved calling themselves bounteous.  I should correct myself, because often these things back fire on me, I should say, I was brought up in a family that loved calling themselves non- conservative. I am 23 years old and I know precisely what both the terms mean. And let me tell you they are neither.

I am an Indian girl and for most of the families here, being non-conservative doesn’t mean being progressive, it means being conservative but not showing it. I don’t know whether they are in denial or something inexplicable but often they just need a catalyst to prove that unfortunately I am right.

I am 23 years old. Old enough to be called an adult; check. Old enough to cast a vote; check. Old enough to go to a pub and have a drink with my friends; check. But what I am least expected of, is to behave like one, and worse, when I expect the same from other as well, in terms of treating me and being treated in a similar way, there is often this point that after a certain age your parents behave like your friends. I don’t want that. I want my parents to be like my parents and not try to be something they are not because in an attempt to do so, they ultimately get to this point where they are neither. They are too concerned to let you go and too, so called, non- conservative just to let you stay which in turn makes them look more like a show off and makes them a hypocrite.

I may not be making any sense at all, but honestly, I don’t really care I get at max five reads in a day, so I am pretty infamous to be understood by millions.

Over the years this hypocrisy has taken a toll on me, so badly, that I am hysterical to get out of these metaphorical bars my family often tries to make my brain hallucinate, that it doesn’t exist. And above all, I am one of those unlucky people for whom every time I would say no to something would be the thing that I would need the most in my life. I have come to terms with it and I have accepted this lack of luck from the core of my heart.  Now what would that mean? You might ask.

When I was little, but then I think this is applicable for most of you even now, even a slightest thought of losing any one of my parents would make me quiver and even make me cry. But fortunately for me and unfortunately for my parents I turned out to be a pragmatic person who always wanted to consider even the worst things of life, not that I mean that pragmatic people are pessimists but it is true that one should always consider the worst case scenario, and find out ways to get out of it. I honestly tell you today, I have thought it thoroughly, what I would do if something were to happen. I know I am supposed to be careful what I wish for, but actually, I am not wishing for anything. I am just being practical and a lot of people cannot tolerate that. In fact most of us don’t even want to think about such circumstances but let me make this clear it will come to all of us for some of us sooner than the rest. We live in the ostrich society. Ostrich, because when it sees the danger and thinks it’s going to be alright by just shutting it eyes and sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has kept her eyes open to see everybody else get slaughtered.  

I am no longer that little girl who will be lost without somebody guiding me. I no longer require the exaggerated concern one would have for their young ones. I know that for every parent, no matter how old the kids are, they will always be little. But do they know that most of the time that is the only repelling factor.

Now after knowing my situation or what I feel some of you would even say (or in some cases don’t say but mean it) that you do not know but you should feel lucky that you have parents. You do not understand their value and you take them for granted, how can you be such a selfish daughter who doesn’t acknowledge the fact that her parents have given her so much and thinks that if they expect something as simple as a concern in return is unavailable from your end.

I have to tell you, in fact I am writing this so freely in my blog because I know that my parents would read it too and we already had this chat that I so feel lucky that I have parents, whatever kind they are. I am very lucky. But it’s their IDK-luck that they have a daughter like me. And honestly, even I am in this big dilemma that is it not being so attached with them, exacerbating the situation?

Let me be clear. I do not take my parents for granted. I just do not agree with some of their thoughts, at all; because over time, and because I have my own brain and intelligence, I have realized that I can process my own thoughts on the basis of what I have perceived and comprehended and I have also realized that my parents are what I have already discussed.

You might be wondering why I am telling you all this, what must have happened. So here it is, the first time I told my mother, I wanted to solo travel the world, and we ended up in a big fight. And unfortunately, I always thought that my mother knows my ambitions and wishes, but this came to me as a shock which led to me saying to her that she just like to say things for their face value, she doesn’t mean them.

I would also like to tell you that there have been similar instances with my father, and also the fact that he is a racist, casteist and now that I am spending some time at the house, which I have suddenly realized was rare earlier, have proven that our frequencies are different on so many levels that it makes me wonder if there is thing called parental incompatibility. (Or maybe I have just grown up too much and my thoughts have wandered beyond my father’s imagination.)I don’t hate my father. I hate his views, and maybe he hates mine.

But ultimately, does that mean I hate my family, my parents, no I don’t. In fact whenever it appeared to me that my parents have lost all hopes about what I might become, I just have to say that all that we have been through together, they need to know that their kids are not going to settle for anything less than we deserve. And if I cannot tell my parents how the hell I feel, who on the earth am I supposed to? If you are one of those kids who are too afraid to tell their parents what they feel, there is food for thought.

Does that make me a one of those kids who are ruthless, selfish and don’t care about their parents and their emotions. I guess not, because it is very well said that always perform your duties and don’t worry about what the results might be. As, if the duties are performed rightly, the latter is bound to happen in your favor. But the problem is what does this performing the duties have to do with parental skills. I tell you, no person on this earth, no matter how good they are with their skills in this department should be concerned, as every parent has a different child, with a different psychology so automatically no one thumb rule is applicable. I do not expect the readers to understand what I am trying to say, but what I really mean is, my parents are fulfilling their duty to be concerned about me and so, it is unequivocally my duty to share my problems and my emotions with them as that is what they care about and what they deserve to know.

Finally, All I can say is I may not be right, but over time I have learned, that your parents are not always right either. They are also humans ultimately and they also make mistakes so don’t follow them blindly. In addition to that there is only a pint of things our parents can protect us from, in this world full of gallons and variety. 

If any one of you who is reading this is a parent or about to be a parent, kindly understand and respect your children’s thought process. And please treat them of their age, and if they behave like they are grownups then behave with then accordingly, cause if you try to suppress them or their thoughts, it an insult that stays with them for a really long time. Moreover, always encourage your kids and support them on their quest for happiness, mental proximity is greater than physical one.

P.S.:  I know that the ostrich’s behavior in hostile conditions an old wives’ tale and totally untrue but it’s popular metaphor

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Mother’s Day = Not Today

She stared at the clock it was 10:30PM. Her eyes were visibly sleepy.
Before her husband could open his mouth and ask for something else, she pushed herself into the bedroom; locked it from inside; picked up her mobile and plugged in her earphone, pretending to be listening to a beautiful melody, which was in fact, the melody of silence.
As he yelled her name from the living room and asked her for a glass of water, she sat in the chair, sweating from all that hard work pretending she couldn’t listen.
He yeller harder again, and yet she didn’t give a response.
“Mummy.” yelled the kid urgently.
“Yes son!” She yelled within the next second.

Mother's Day card 2

PUBERTY @ 23

“I have decided.” I said, flashing the white envelope. “I don’t want to be an architect anymore.” I repeated the same sentence I told them two weeks ago.

Yes, that was a someday, when I walked into their office and said, “I want to talk to you guys about something. Evidently, I have not been able to concentrate on my work and I am struggling with it and that’s not because I am frustrated. I am basically, standing in a position where I don’t know which way to go, but I am pretty sure this isn’t where I want to be. I don’t want to be an architect. By that, let me be very clear, I do not mean that I will quit architecture. It’s just that I am interested in trying other aspects or it rather than the hard core.”

My boss, however seemed to have an entirely different opinion,” where is the evidence?? If you think your silly mistakes in the drawings are the evidence that you aren’t a good architect, then I have to tell you, you are wrong, for someone who has an eye for a detail will tend to miss out the larger picture. So let me ask you again, you have come to this realization because either you are frustrated because honestly, I can solemnly understand what you go through doing same things over and over again or that somebody told you are bad at it or in fact we unconsciously through our actions and reactions show that you aren’t good enough and don’t pat your back that often saying, ‘good job’ or it’s just that you want to try something entirely different just for the sake of experimenting.”

Honestly, I was pretty sure that day, yes, I wanted to experiment.

Well, now, I am not. But as I have already said, I am sure what I don’t want to do.

I posted this as a status on my facebook one day (yes, I am quoting myself),

“There isn’t a shortage of things that can inspire you to DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. But then, there isn’t a shortage of things that can inspire WHAT NOT TO DO as well. I personally believe the potential of the later is far stronger. After all, end of something is the beginning of something new.”

Yes, I decided it to try this on myself and have resigned from my office. I am 23 years old, and I don’t know what to do with my life. I am confused, unfocused, anxious and scared. The worst part is, this is feels like puberty all over again, everybody goes through it, but nobody wants to talk about it.

I am sorry that I was not born a super human meant for a greater cause to save the planet earth with my agendas clearly set by my ancestors living in Krypton. I am sorry for just being a jack of all trades and not a master in even one (Oh! Yes, doing Master’s in Architecture came in my mind once).

But what thought, above all, fails to escape my mind is that, if 70% of populations hates what they do, isn’t this world a bad place already.

A host at a travel show in TLC, a painter, an entrepreneur, I know people personally, who dream to be these one day, and I am see them every day, hating, what they do, too afraid to quit or perhaps looking for that right time to quit, which they more than me know, will never come.

As for me, I hate what I am doing, sitting on the same desk for 8-9 hours, staring at the black screen of death and drawings lines that will take months to be tangible. I don’t get to travel, I don’t get to meet new people and I don’t get to talk, the three things that I love the most in my life.

I will try, hate it and leave it, as there are just ten different things I want to try, one year for each and viola, in a decade I know what I like, and if I like something before even before my validity period, JACKPOT!

But what if I don’t, what if I don’t like anything and I end up cursing myself for the rest of my life for wasting 10 years in which I could have gained a considerable amount of experience and knowledge and would have already (forcibly) fallen in love with what I do?

Success and failure is contingent. We all know that, but even if the chances of failure are at the highest, there is a thing called leap of faith. That is the leap that I took when I resigned.

I resigned not because I couldn’t think about my success in that field in future tense. I resigned because, I have a plan B already, but I never made a plan A. I can always go back to doing what I am doing. But I don’t want to die out of this sheer guilt that I didn’t try anything else because I was unambitious.

I might be lost now because it dark, but my ship won’t sink because there is no storm. I see clear but in all directions, so when the sun rises, that’s when I will restart the sail. I will know what is east and what’s west.

Yes, I don’t know what to do with my life and I am not ashamed to accept it. But trust me when I say this, I will figure out out eventually, for I dearly love to, above all, endeavor.