PUBERTY @ 23

“I have decided.” I said, flashing the white envelope. “I don’t want to be an architect anymore.” I repeated the same sentence I told them two weeks ago.

Yes, that was a someday, when I walked into their office and said, “I want to talk to you guys about something. Evidently, I have not been able to concentrate on my work and I am struggling with it and that’s not because I am frustrated. I am basically, standing in a position where I don’t know which way to go, but I am pretty sure this isn’t where I want to be. I don’t want to be an architect. By that, let me be very clear, I do not mean that I will quit architecture. It’s just that I am interested in trying other aspects or it rather than the hard core.”

My boss, however seemed to have an entirely different opinion,” where is the evidence?? If you think your silly mistakes in the drawings are the evidence that you aren’t a good architect, then I have to tell you, you are wrong, for someone who has an eye for a detail will tend to miss out the larger picture. So let me ask you again, you have come to this realization because either you are frustrated because honestly, I can solemnly understand what you go through doing same things over and over again or that somebody told you are bad at it or in fact we unconsciously through our actions and reactions show that you aren’t good enough and don’t pat your back that often saying, ‘good job’ or it’s just that you want to try something entirely different just for the sake of experimenting.”

Honestly, I was pretty sure that day, yes, I wanted to experiment.

Well, now, I am not. But as I have already said, I am sure what I don’t want to do.

I posted this as a status on my facebook one day (yes, I am quoting myself),

“There isn’t a shortage of things that can inspire you to DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. But then, there isn’t a shortage of things that can inspire WHAT NOT TO DO as well. I personally believe the potential of the later is far stronger. After all, end of something is the beginning of something new.”

Yes, I decided it to try this on myself and have resigned from my office. I am 23 years old, and I don’t know what to do with my life. I am confused, unfocused, anxious and scared. The worst part is, this is feels like puberty all over again, everybody goes through it, but nobody wants to talk about it.

I am sorry that I was not born a super human meant for a greater cause to save the planet earth with my agendas clearly set by my ancestors living in Krypton. I am sorry for just being a jack of all trades and not a master in even one (Oh! Yes, doing Master’s in Architecture came in my mind once).

But what thought, above all, fails to escape my mind is that, if 70% of populations hates what they do, isn’t this world a bad place already.

A host at a travel show in TLC, a painter, an entrepreneur, I know people personally, who dream to be these one day, and I am see them every day, hating, what they do, too afraid to quit or perhaps looking for that right time to quit, which they more than me know, will never come.

As for me, I hate what I am doing, sitting on the same desk for 8-9 hours, staring at the black screen of death and drawings lines that will take months to be tangible. I don’t get to travel, I don’t get to meet new people and I don’t get to talk, the three things that I love the most in my life.

I will try, hate it and leave it, as there are just ten different things I want to try, one year for each and viola, in a decade I know what I like, and if I like something before even before my validity period, JACKPOT!

But what if I don’t, what if I don’t like anything and I end up cursing myself for the rest of my life for wasting 10 years in which I could have gained a considerable amount of experience and knowledge and would have already (forcibly) fallen in love with what I do?

Success and failure is contingent. We all know that, but even if the chances of failure are at the highest, there is a thing called leap of faith. That is the leap that I took when I resigned.

I resigned not because I couldn’t think about my success in that field in future tense. I resigned because, I have a plan B already, but I never made a plan A. I can always go back to doing what I am doing. But I don’t want to die out of this sheer guilt that I didn’t try anything else because I was unambitious.

I might be lost now because it dark, but my ship won’t sink because there is no storm. I see clear but in all directions, so when the sun rises, that’s when I will restart the sail. I will know what is east and what’s west.

Yes, I don’t know what to do with my life and I am not ashamed to accept it. But trust me when I say this, I will figure out out eventually, for I dearly love to, above all, endeavor.

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